"LOVE is patient.
LOVE is kind.
It does not envy.
It does not boast.
It is not proud.
It is not rude.
It is not self- seeking.
It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrong."
Sometimes we are placed with things that we think we cannot handle,
yet even the strongest and most powerful burdens on one's soul can be handled
by a human....
and..
Sometimes we are surprised by things that we did not expect.
Although at times it seems as though we cant handle life and its twists
and turns.... an opportunity and hope seems to fall from the sky...
at the times when you dont know but need the help the most...
the world always seemed to be veiled by a dark cloak,
impenetrable by light, and asphyxiating even with the deepest of breaths.
you think that no one will realize the true darkness that exists
within that tough, or happy-go-lucky exterior.
You put up these walls of strength or smile at everything,
to not show the true pain that haunts every turn and every breath.
the darkness seems to weigh you down.
it seems to control you.
it seems to want to take over.
until that one day... when you realize to plainly lift the veil and look
at the world without that gray and hazy medium...
but the courage, wisdom, and a helping hand comes from another...
one who saw everything you didnt see...
one who sees all the wonders your soul has...
takes your hand..and lifts the veil..
that magnificent light, the overwhelming senses of truth..
might seem to be too good to be true and hard to take in...
but that helping hand is always there... to say...
that its fine and that its all deserved...
ever find a phone call, a text message or even a post it mean the world?
youd think that trivial and technological nonsense wouldnt mean so much,
but the words, the meanings..and the person it comes from...
means the world...
waking up next to the person you truly and deeply care about is a statement
that most married couples or couples who are truly inlove usually say..
and there are only a handful of lucky people who have found this statement true.
even though at times they might curse you out while your waking them up,
or they look into your eyes and smile...
and even sometimes..kiss you on the neck to wake you....
but feelings like these are unconditional...
and i cant try and create a situation to properly suit these feelings..
its one of those... things you just feel in your gut and have no proper way of elaborating.
your smile is infectious.
your embrace is comforting.
your grasp is melodic.
and your eyes are soothing.
even when walking through the streets of nyc..
hundreds of people might be around us..
but all i see is you.
at times i stare into your eyes and wonder
about hope. possibilities. and luck.
and its your hold on me...that makes me realize
its ALL REAL.
to my one and only.
<3.1415
10.01.08
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
supporting evil?!!? proposition H8.....
so we have a new president... (claps....)
good to know that we have equality....
dont we???
of course we do... all we need to do is grow up
and have a marriage..between a man and a woman..
have a house with a white picket fence ..and 2.5 kids....
when did this notion become so instilled into the psyche of society
that we wont give everyone the chance to have a family,
and the chance to love.
somehow there is a notion out there..where bigotry and religious convictions
are more important than openmindedness and self consciousness..
which leads to vilifying gay people.
who said that love was supposed to be between a man and a woman..??
so shouldnt that mean..that a mother should not love her daughter??
and a father should not love his son??
because if we are limiting love to the opposite gender then why do we not go to the extreme (as some people are doing to gay people)
consider this same sex love between family wrong?!?!?
love is love...shouldnt that mean the genders and ages shouldnt matter??
what is so wrong if a man loves a man or a woman loves another woman?!?
does that offend someone somehow??
youre not in their relationships... youre not being "recruited" to being gay...
and if youre a third party who does not know what it feels to be truly inlove and marry
that special someone...then you should support gay marriage because if these gay men and women have found their special someones..then why hold them back from true paradise.
if youre straight and see gay people holding hands... should you cringe just because
its not supposed to happen that way?!?!
well arent you just wrong and shouldnt be given a brain..
love is love...man and man...woman and woman...
being married and given that chance to find someone.
and try and live their lives happily together as both shall live...
is something the gay community wants to have a chance to do..
and how dare people out there..try to take it away...
there might be negative preconceptions of infidelity amongst the gay community,
but somehow we all like to look at the negatives and not praise the positives.
some of these men and woman who are getting married...
have been together for longer than most heterosexual marriages.
heterosexual marriages are taken advantage of because
they have the right to marry whom ever they want...
so if again we look at the extreme side of beliefs... then shouldnt divorce
still be illegal..and if you made the choice to marry that person..
and they cheat on you...or does not make you the happiest person on earth..
tough shit... take it through thick and thin...and dont give up and divorce..
yea alot of things are surrounded that if gay people
get the right to marry, then they would want the right to divorce.
yea..its called equality...we all make mistakes, even if it is saying that
a marriage is a mistake...but you just need to give all the people a chance
to fall inlove and find the right person to spend their lives with.
love is love.
(illl add more to this soon)
good to know that we have equality....
dont we???
of course we do... all we need to do is grow up
and have a marriage..between a man and a woman..
have a house with a white picket fence ..and 2.5 kids....
when did this notion become so instilled into the psyche of society
that we wont give everyone the chance to have a family,
and the chance to love.
somehow there is a notion out there..where bigotry and religious convictions
are more important than openmindedness and self consciousness..
which leads to vilifying gay people.
who said that love was supposed to be between a man and a woman..??
so shouldnt that mean..that a mother should not love her daughter??
and a father should not love his son??
because if we are limiting love to the opposite gender then why do we not go to the extreme (as some people are doing to gay people)
consider this same sex love between family wrong?!?!?
love is love...shouldnt that mean the genders and ages shouldnt matter??
what is so wrong if a man loves a man or a woman loves another woman?!?
does that offend someone somehow??
youre not in their relationships... youre not being "recruited" to being gay...
and if youre a third party who does not know what it feels to be truly inlove and marry
that special someone...then you should support gay marriage because if these gay men and women have found their special someones..then why hold them back from true paradise.
if youre straight and see gay people holding hands... should you cringe just because
its not supposed to happen that way?!?!
well arent you just wrong and shouldnt be given a brain..
love is love...man and man...woman and woman...
being married and given that chance to find someone.
and try and live their lives happily together as both shall live...
is something the gay community wants to have a chance to do..
and how dare people out there..try to take it away...
there might be negative preconceptions of infidelity amongst the gay community,
but somehow we all like to look at the negatives and not praise the positives.
some of these men and woman who are getting married...
have been together for longer than most heterosexual marriages.
heterosexual marriages are taken advantage of because
they have the right to marry whom ever they want...
so if again we look at the extreme side of beliefs... then shouldnt divorce
still be illegal..and if you made the choice to marry that person..
and they cheat on you...or does not make you the happiest person on earth..
tough shit... take it through thick and thin...and dont give up and divorce..
yea alot of things are surrounded that if gay people
get the right to marry, then they would want the right to divorce.
yea..its called equality...we all make mistakes, even if it is saying that
a marriage is a mistake...but you just need to give all the people a chance
to fall inlove and find the right person to spend their lives with.
love is love.
(illl add more to this soon)
Saturday, August 30, 2008
iridescent fear
have you ever had those moments in which
you experienced the greatest joy in your life, but at the same time
it is the downfall of your composure?
have your worst fear, as your greatest pleasure?
have your deepest secret be your worst fear?
have the most detrimental situation mean the most to you?
these confusing moments are the hardest to grasp, and hardest to feel.
now imagine having the best feeling you can ever envision,
ones that can be read and lived vicariously through the greatest of all literature,
or just by observing your surroundings..
as you reach of this, you feel it touch your finger tips, always grazing the ends
of your hands, warm enough to spread all around your body.
as this glimmer of happiness invades your insides
is this sensation real? or is the mind trying to intensify the small
sparks that stroke your finger tips, into a blazing flame.
the warmth seems so comforting doesn't it?
you fan it thinking that you can bask in the heat and comfort it gives you.
its so calming and relieving that all the other negative feelings
seem to have been burned away, blackened and covered with its own ashes.
until you wonder if this life altering phoenix of sorts is real...
you bathed in all that it could give you,
immersed yourself in its glory,
drowned your sorrows,
renewed a part of you that was not its best.
then you realize, that you never really had a full grasp
of what ever you were trying to reach for,
your mind has just exaggerated that small flicker of hope
so you can disentangle yourself from that place in life
you did not want to be in.
you interrogate the deepest portions of yourself
to find out if what you felt was the true full grasp, or that little piece
that kept unfolding until it ripped.
as much as you hate the ending.
the part in which you question your place and your
understanding of the world around you...
that little flicker of light, so divine, so inviting, so soothing,
is tempting you.
the temptation does not come from th fear of what might happen,
but the temptation comes from what might not happen.
sometimes you know of the situations and occurrences that you are placing yourself
into...
a long dark tunnel with light at the end that you might reach.
you hold your breath waiting to reach fresh air, as you think you have arrived at
your destination, you realize you have only moved a step away.
and your breath is gone from you.
the aftermath is worse than when you have exasperated your air supply.
as you try to gasp for air, your lungs seem to deflate as you intake air.
the darkness seems to surround you again.
you're trying to find that motivation to keep you going.
and then...
you feel that little spark at the end of your fingertips....
(i really didnt know how to convey what i am feeling at this hour in the morning, its a very weird mood at the pit of my stomach and at the base of my brain. i had a wonderful day, but i guess the hardest thing for me to do is face the things that are killing me inside the most, and can make a wonderful day somewhat somber. ive tried to find ways to indirectly force them out of self consciousness...but i cant... a song, a person, a word can trigger anything in this little head of mine.... idk what im trying to say..i was even advised to not write this, but i had to as an outlet. plus im going to be stuck in the great woods of new york state for the labor day weekend so might as well get some of the things that are bothering me out.)
ps. after reading this numerous amounts of times. i still dont know what i mean. but i know that i involve myself into vicious cycles that i know i could avoid. crap!
you experienced the greatest joy in your life, but at the same time
it is the downfall of your composure?
have your worst fear, as your greatest pleasure?
have your deepest secret be your worst fear?
have the most detrimental situation mean the most to you?
these confusing moments are the hardest to grasp, and hardest to feel.
now imagine having the best feeling you can ever envision,
ones that can be read and lived vicariously through the greatest of all literature,
or just by observing your surroundings..
as you reach of this, you feel it touch your finger tips, always grazing the ends
of your hands, warm enough to spread all around your body.
as this glimmer of happiness invades your insides
is this sensation real? or is the mind trying to intensify the small
sparks that stroke your finger tips, into a blazing flame.
the warmth seems so comforting doesn't it?
you fan it thinking that you can bask in the heat and comfort it gives you.
its so calming and relieving that all the other negative feelings
seem to have been burned away, blackened and covered with its own ashes.
until you wonder if this life altering phoenix of sorts is real...
you bathed in all that it could give you,
immersed yourself in its glory,
drowned your sorrows,
renewed a part of you that was not its best.
then you realize, that you never really had a full grasp
of what ever you were trying to reach for,
your mind has just exaggerated that small flicker of hope
so you can disentangle yourself from that place in life
you did not want to be in.
you interrogate the deepest portions of yourself
to find out if what you felt was the true full grasp, or that little piece
that kept unfolding until it ripped.
as much as you hate the ending.
the part in which you question your place and your
understanding of the world around you...
that little flicker of light, so divine, so inviting, so soothing,
is tempting you.
the temptation does not come from th fear of what might happen,
but the temptation comes from what might not happen.
sometimes you know of the situations and occurrences that you are placing yourself
into...
a long dark tunnel with light at the end that you might reach.
you hold your breath waiting to reach fresh air, as you think you have arrived at
your destination, you realize you have only moved a step away.
and your breath is gone from you.
the aftermath is worse than when you have exasperated your air supply.
as you try to gasp for air, your lungs seem to deflate as you intake air.
the darkness seems to surround you again.
you're trying to find that motivation to keep you going.
and then...
you feel that little spark at the end of your fingertips....
(i really didnt know how to convey what i am feeling at this hour in the morning, its a very weird mood at the pit of my stomach and at the base of my brain. i had a wonderful day, but i guess the hardest thing for me to do is face the things that are killing me inside the most, and can make a wonderful day somewhat somber. ive tried to find ways to indirectly force them out of self consciousness...but i cant... a song, a person, a word can trigger anything in this little head of mine.... idk what im trying to say..i was even advised to not write this, but i had to as an outlet. plus im going to be stuck in the great woods of new york state for the labor day weekend so might as well get some of the things that are bothering me out.)
ps. after reading this numerous amounts of times. i still dont know what i mean. but i know that i involve myself into vicious cycles that i know i could avoid. crap!
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
excruciating bittersweet moments.
so today i wake up and do nothing all day.
nothing except for watch some telly and read.
whilst reading i came across the word bittersweet...
now i would never extricate a word from my vocabulary,
especially if it would have somewhat of a happy undertone.
but even with all the small bittersweet moments that people have in life...
like the little things that make us smile but also enables tears to start welling up,
a lot of what we call bittersweet, is usually a horrendous situation,
in where a glimmer of hope and sunshine made the crappiest moment
into something that we can swallow.
well... those are the memories. but you know that
something has gone awry while i was going through
my initiation into society, that not only do the memories make me uneasy,
but so does the word. i dont know if i am the only person that cringes at the sight
of the word or even in ear shot of someone saying it.
i know...how can one word have such a negative connotation??
it seems as though the plethora of cinematic melodrama that follows me
where ever i step makes the word harsh.
in other words...my past sucks!!!!
and i am writing this because... again i am afraid...
i dont know why i should be afraid.
everything is going right...for the first time.... in a long time.. or even maybe ever...
the uneasy feeling that bad memories stir up...
is not a happy one to experience...
incompetent.
inept.
hopeless.
i could use all the synonyms for it.
but this feeling needs to go away. i just dont want to mess up good things.
P.S.
-on a lighter note
thanks for the smiles you give me.
nothing except for watch some telly and read.
whilst reading i came across the word bittersweet...
now i would never extricate a word from my vocabulary,
especially if it would have somewhat of a happy undertone.
but even with all the small bittersweet moments that people have in life...
like the little things that make us smile but also enables tears to start welling up,
a lot of what we call bittersweet, is usually a horrendous situation,
in where a glimmer of hope and sunshine made the crappiest moment
into something that we can swallow.
well... those are the memories. but you know that
something has gone awry while i was going through
my initiation into society, that not only do the memories make me uneasy,
but so does the word. i dont know if i am the only person that cringes at the sight
of the word or even in ear shot of someone saying it.
i know...how can one word have such a negative connotation??
it seems as though the plethora of cinematic melodrama that follows me
where ever i step makes the word harsh.
in other words...my past sucks!!!!
and i am writing this because... again i am afraid...
i dont know why i should be afraid.
everything is going right...for the first time.... in a long time.. or even maybe ever...
the uneasy feeling that bad memories stir up...
is not a happy one to experience...
incompetent.
inept.
hopeless.
i could use all the synonyms for it.
but this feeling needs to go away. i just dont want to mess up good things.
P.S.
-on a lighter note
thanks for the smiles you give me.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
refreshing...
just a breath of fresh air.
with all the things i was planning
to do with the rest of my summer..
it was made clear that i was planning them,
in order to get the hell out of the life i live....
but sometimes it takes new friends.
and A HELL LOT of convincing from the old ones
to realize that its not so bad.
so some things are getting scratched.
P.S.- i will write something worthwhile and a little more stimulating sometime soon.. just havent had a good reason to rant about.
P.P.S- you scare the living shit out of me
with all the things i was planning
to do with the rest of my summer..
it was made clear that i was planning them,
in order to get the hell out of the life i live....
but sometimes it takes new friends.
and A HELL LOT of convincing from the old ones
to realize that its not so bad.
so some things are getting scratched.
P.S.- i will write something worthwhile and a little more stimulating sometime soon.. just havent had a good reason to rant about.
P.P.S- you scare the living shit out of me
Thursday, July 31, 2008
being.... Filipino...
A quick overview of the Filipino vernacular...
** the alphabet is taken to different heights
v=b's.....ex: very= berry
f= p's.....ex: Filipino= Pilipino
and the Filipino word of the day:
(derived from native tongue, prior to colonization)
"salongpuet"
explanation:
"salong"= to catch
"puet"= butt
... so by extension a salongpuet is a buttcatcher... after colonization it became sillia...
after being a commonwealth..became a chair.
^^ so this is what happens when two Filipinos call each other at 2am
and watch youtube together.
ohhh the laughter..
ok. good night.
airport in 2 hours. fuck
** the alphabet is taken to different heights
v=b's.....ex: very= berry
f= p's.....ex: Filipino= Pilipino
and the Filipino word of the day:
(derived from native tongue, prior to colonization)
"salongpuet"
explanation:
"salong"= to catch
"puet"= butt
... so by extension a salongpuet is a buttcatcher... after colonization it became sillia...
after being a commonwealth..became a chair.
^^ so this is what happens when two Filipinos call each other at 2am
and watch youtube together.
ohhh the laughter..
ok. good night.
airport in 2 hours. fuck
fantastical!
so everything is kind of cute right now
being a jet setter and all..
i have to get on a plane in about 3 hours
and live the next few days doing what i do best
and what i enjoy doing...
(and no that is not serial dating.. you know who you are..
the people who are thinking about it)...
but yea.
as of right now. things are really cute.
and my brain is actually using both sides recently
kind of scary because it hurts to think..
i get a fucking headache.
ohhh and best quote of my day
"irvin i think youve been kissing the wrong person your whole life"..
_anonymous.. hehehe..you know who you are
being a jet setter and all..
i have to get on a plane in about 3 hours
and live the next few days doing what i do best
and what i enjoy doing...
(and no that is not serial dating.. you know who you are..
the people who are thinking about it)...
but yea.
as of right now. things are really cute.
and my brain is actually using both sides recently
kind of scary because it hurts to think..
i get a fucking headache.
ohhh and best quote of my day
"irvin i think youve been kissing the wrong person your whole life"..
_anonymous.. hehehe..you know who you are
Friday, July 25, 2008
artistic medium
this will be quick.
started thinking about it while i was dancing.
....
you asked if i could love you.
i love you soo much as a friend.
and respect you.
if i could love you more than a friend. i dont really know.
time would have told
youre a very loveable person... and we get along so well..
so if it went further..i might have.
but i would like to tell you that you are unmistakably a wonderful person.
its sad that youll be gone.. but remember you say its a little vacation.
take care of my little things...
your note was a masterpiece that i wrote a little bit ago.
im sorry i couldnt give it to you.
with our little dumb moments. ill miss.
i would like to thank you for all the good times.
until i see you again my friend...
i guess when you come back...ill be waiting at "our" spot.
again.
thankyou.
started thinking about it while i was dancing.
....
you asked if i could love you.
i love you soo much as a friend.
and respect you.
if i could love you more than a friend. i dont really know.
time would have told
youre a very loveable person... and we get along so well..
so if it went further..i might have.
but i would like to tell you that you are unmistakably a wonderful person.
its sad that youll be gone.. but remember you say its a little vacation.
take care of my little things...
your note was a masterpiece that i wrote a little bit ago.
im sorry i couldnt give it to you.
with our little dumb moments. ill miss.
i would like to thank you for all the good times.
until i see you again my friend...
i guess when you come back...ill be waiting at "our" spot.
again.
thankyou.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
the. proverbial. question.
We each walk on our own dusty, calamity ridden, road of proverbial aphorisms. Step by step
questions arise, some that have great impacts, and some are the simple questions
of "what do we want to do today?". The latter might seem as though it can't carry
a burden on the shoulders, or won't have much gravity in life. Except on those
SPECIAL occasions (more on that later)... But besides the great question of "what are we placed on this planet for..", the next most abused question is.."HI, is this your new soul mate?"
Is there really a concrete answer for that question. It always seems
as though the only one that we can call our soul mate in life is
our significant counter parts-the peanut butter to our jelly, the other to complete
our duo's...- But you start to think about the wonderful acronym B.F.F..
(that's where my rant today starts from...and i know its cute if you do marry your bestfriend
and that they are your soul mate... but it is possible to have a two soul mates...or is it?!?!?)
So, when I go out..the plans are usually not etched in stone, and more than often
usually never happen. So yesterday (7.11.08..just so i remember the day because god knows when im going to finish typing this) I went out with the best gay boy in my life... the best friend like no other... When ever we go out.. there are no plans... so we meet in the subway..and didnt have a destination... so while on the lovely underground railroad of New York, we decide
to go gallivanting around little Italy. So being the New Yorkers we are.. landmarks are how
we orient ourselves...We get off at Canal Street, knowing little Italy is right next to Chinatown..
in the heat of the lower east side, our plans of sitting in a cafe was scratched because
we gave up on the search..so we just walked down a little bit more and found ourselves
by City Hall...
In order for my brain to work properly, with the erratic plans needs to be coupled
with "erratic plan's" soul mate, which is "spontaneity"..
You see City Hall... right across is the beginning of the Brooklyn Bridge...
So as random as we can be after going to get a slice of pizza, and sitting in a
Starbucks for 10 minutes screaming at T-mobile...We randomly make our way
across that bridge...
Who would think that walking across a bridge crawling with tourists.. surprised by
gay guys....would help two people realize how much each other means to each other..
and how we take living in the city for granted... well i cant really explain
the walking part across the bridge because... thats usually a generic activity..
just the good conversation of having another "first moment" with your best friend is
a pretty good feeling.
After remembering our impacts on each others lives... I didn't think that the day
could get any better... or we can be get any closer...
But being the ones to just sit and talk...whilst catwalking over the bridge,
we saw the Brooklyn Bridge park...we both have never been there...
so a new adventure starts in Brooklyn.... So after a few blocks..
and my very good navigational skills... we found it...
and kinda sunbathed on the rocks while calling our important people..lol
..like twisted Little Mermaids wading in the dank dirty Hudson River.
That lasted for about 2o minutes..until we realized to sit underneath a
willow tree...(reference Pocahontas if needed)...
Sat there for close to like 3 hours... this is when you treasure life...
::beautiful day. beautiful place. and best company you can ask for::
To close off the day and this long story...
we walked across the bridge...sat in City Hall park for an hour...
Sang and danced in place..best thing we can do..
and went our separate ways..
So after that long anecdote, which pretty much can explain the answer to my
question...a person can have a soul mate whom they can just live happily as best friends..
Leading their own personal lives...but once together... have a different life together in
their own little world.... What does it really mean to be a soul mate?!?!
Finding a person who will be as random as you, can talk to each other for hours,
can talk about anything, and can appreciate doing nothing
yet having it mean the world to each other...
But how about the darker and sinister part of having
any type of friend.... is what would happen when the friendship
doesnt last FOREVER... I think this is a true test to that damn acronym..
something this one taught me...is that... even if things
do end... the good memories..that you will never forget will endure inside
even if you dont want them to..
they'll be there giving you a little smirk...when you need it...
--so after writing this. i completely lost my point on the concrete
point i was trying to explain... but its all there in a bundled, mixed up,
crazy way...
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
a reflective creation
Over the past few years of conscious life, (the time when you can finally think for yourself..and influences from other people are intertwined with yours...but in moderation), Ive been trying
to write something... something worthwhile, pretty much a masterpiece of the written language
to evoke things which are hard to express...
I can finally say I wrote one of these, yesterday.
From that, I started to think about all the people that have influenced me..
in order to accomplish such a thing.
You would never know who is actually a friend or just some other body moving around with you,
until push comes to shove...
We all go through a lot of things, some amazing feelings which we want to share with everyone,
and the ones pushed back into the back of the closet and into the shadows.
But then again, pushing things aside doesnt make them go away,
and we all have to get ready for the vicious cycle that happens until we get up
and face them.
This is the time when... you as an individual feel as though the world is going to crash down
and start to push people away... and more or less become a hermit of despair and slave to your
downward emotions...
The little light that comes from the person who gets your dumb ass out of bed... is probably
a good sign that a true friend is there...
When push comes to shove, they push back..and hit you up side the head...
These friends keep you strong.
They tear for you. Almost start crying while they are driving. (iloveyou for that btw)
They sit and wait for you before class while youre at practice so you can take a 3 hour computer science class.
They cancel plans because they know youve lied that youre not heart broken.
They call you at 12am... just to say they are taking a dump and doesnt want to be lonely.
They spend two weeks of their lives living in a hotel room with you.. and doesnt let you sleep for the two weeks.. because they want spend as much time with you as possible.
They sit in central park with you, and people watch. just because life is more amazing to sit back and watch it unravel.
They sit eating breakfast with you before school starts (8am)...and cause you to go in at 11am...
They call you to watch the sunrise because they have insomnia and have given up going to sleep.
They will sit in a bookstore with you for hours... just for shits and giggles and broke
They call you while waiting for the bus..because they need to get back to their dorm rooms..
and you need to catch up on life
These memories are amazing.
The little things in life might not be worthwhile at that moment in time
but once built up over time, can give you the tools to help
induce an epiphany... and pretty much create something so beautiful.
i can also say that im lucky for having so many influential people in my life
iloveyou all
to write something... something worthwhile, pretty much a masterpiece of the written language
to evoke things which are hard to express...
I can finally say I wrote one of these, yesterday.
From that, I started to think about all the people that have influenced me..
in order to accomplish such a thing.
You would never know who is actually a friend or just some other body moving around with you,
until push comes to shove...
We all go through a lot of things, some amazing feelings which we want to share with everyone,
and the ones pushed back into the back of the closet and into the shadows.
But then again, pushing things aside doesnt make them go away,
and we all have to get ready for the vicious cycle that happens until we get up
and face them.
This is the time when... you as an individual feel as though the world is going to crash down
and start to push people away... and more or less become a hermit of despair and slave to your
downward emotions...
The little light that comes from the person who gets your dumb ass out of bed... is probably
a good sign that a true friend is there...
When push comes to shove, they push back..and hit you up side the head...
These friends keep you strong.
They tear for you. Almost start crying while they are driving. (iloveyou for that btw)
They sit and wait for you before class while youre at practice so you can take a 3 hour computer science class.
They cancel plans because they know youve lied that youre not heart broken.
They call you at 12am... just to say they are taking a dump and doesnt want to be lonely.
They spend two weeks of their lives living in a hotel room with you.. and doesnt let you sleep for the two weeks.. because they want spend as much time with you as possible.
They sit in central park with you, and people watch. just because life is more amazing to sit back and watch it unravel.
They sit eating breakfast with you before school starts (8am)...and cause you to go in at 11am...
They call you to watch the sunrise because they have insomnia and have given up going to sleep.
They will sit in a bookstore with you for hours... just for shits and giggles and broke
They call you while waiting for the bus..because they need to get back to their dorm rooms..
and you need to catch up on life
These memories are amazing.
The little things in life might not be worthwhile at that moment in time
but once built up over time, can give you the tools to help
induce an epiphany... and pretty much create something so beautiful.
i can also say that im lucky for having so many influential people in my life
iloveyou all
Monday, July 7, 2008
bestfriends
So i find myself in a position today..
to hear my lovely bestfriend rant on and complain
about his shitty job at the court house...
(of course you'd complain as well if:
*your boss is an octogenarian.
*self proclaimed sexist...which is very prominent..considering she loves the other girls around her.
*god knows if the lady likes homosexicles... so hes in a bit of a bind.)
anyways.. digressing..
he calls bitching and moaning.. and i know that its bad
when he has to chain smoke...and both he and i have "quit".. (bad habit..dont do it kiddos)
being bestfriends...for a good while now..there is a point that you can
see your BFF walking down the street while talking to you (on the phone)...
and it feels like if youre walking right next to them..
so i ask him to stop being soooo poopie faced.. and to smile.
of course i know when hes giving me a bullshit smile or a real smile...
and i know he was bullshitting that smile.
and well... he goes.. if i know him so well to tell him what he was doing at that point..
rebuttal: "youre raising your eyebrow and looking at your phone....shut up bitch.. go home..sleep... and i love you "..
reaction: "ooohhhh thats creepy..you know me soo well"
**this is a really disturbing thing.
we need to stop being friends now!!!!
Saturday, July 5, 2008
pensive. in moderation
Ever get that urge to just get up from watching a movie, just because
you cant pay attention to what the hell is happening?!?!
Your eyes see the pretty actors on the screen, and if one thing triggers
a powerful thought, you can't pay attention to the movie anymore.
Lets compare it to A.D.D. but rename it T.E.S.- or Teenage Emotional Syndrome.
So while watching a movie with friends, I couldnt even try and finish it.
Im not one to cry during cheesy chick flicks, but i guess after all that I've
realized the past few weeks while taking my hiatus from my world, it shocked me.
I dont think it was just one aspect of the underlaying messages that indie movies tend
to instill in all of us, but a convoluted, twisted, demented, craptastic point of view of life
became clear.
Getting the recent news of my well being hasn't really sunk in, I wasn't scared.
Until tonight, when fear stopped me from functioning well..
When times get hard i would just try and pick up my distraction...(but
a death stick is no way to live my life now...especially when something as small
as a cigarette can make you hate the world again...)
But somehow, I find myself walking, with the breeze blowing, and all I can think of is
to call someone. Ask me a month ago on who i would call, I would give you a definite answer.
Ask me now and I have no clue who to call. I ended up listening to your voicemail,
it didn't make life easier, but it made it feel like you were around.
God knows whats going to happen.
thankyou.
iloveyou.
you cant pay attention to what the hell is happening?!?!
Your eyes see the pretty actors on the screen, and if one thing triggers
a powerful thought, you can't pay attention to the movie anymore.
Lets compare it to A.D.D. but rename it T.E.S.- or Teenage Emotional Syndrome.
So while watching a movie with friends, I couldnt even try and finish it.
Im not one to cry during cheesy chick flicks, but i guess after all that I've
realized the past few weeks while taking my hiatus from my world, it shocked me.
I dont think it was just one aspect of the underlaying messages that indie movies tend
to instill in all of us, but a convoluted, twisted, demented, craptastic point of view of life
became clear.
Getting the recent news of my well being hasn't really sunk in, I wasn't scared.
Until tonight, when fear stopped me from functioning well..
When times get hard i would just try and pick up my distraction...(but
a death stick is no way to live my life now...especially when something as small
as a cigarette can make you hate the world again...)
But somehow, I find myself walking, with the breeze blowing, and all I can think of is
to call someone. Ask me a month ago on who i would call, I would give you a definite answer.
Ask me now and I have no clue who to call. I ended up listening to your voicemail,
it didn't make life easier, but it made it feel like you were around.
God knows whats going to happen.
thankyou.
iloveyou.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
enlightened pessimist
there are alot of things to look froward to.
but just ....
be careful.
of the wolf in sheep skin.
its nice to be back
but just ....
be careful.
of the wolf in sheep skin.
its nice to be back
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