excruciating bittersweet moments.

so today i wake up and do nothing all day.
nothing except for watch some telly and read.
whilst reading i came across the word bittersweet...


now i would never extricate a word from my vocabulary,
especially if it would have somewhat of a happy undertone.
but even with all the small bittersweet moments that people have in life...
like the little things that make us smile but also enables tears to start welling up,
a lot of what we call bittersweet, is usually a horrendous situation,
in where a glimmer of hope and sunshine made the crappiest moment
into something that we can swallow.


well... those are the memories. but you know that
something has gone awry while i was going through
my initiation into society, that not only do the memories make me uneasy,
but so does the word. i dont know if i am the only person that cringes at the sight
of the word or even in ear shot of someone saying it.



i know...how can one word have such a negative connotation??
it seems as though the plethora of cinematic melodrama that follows me
where ever i step makes the word harsh.
in other words...my past sucks!!!!
and i am writing this because... again i am afraid...


i dont know why i should be afraid.
everything is going right...for the first time.... in a long time.. or even maybe ever...
the uneasy feeling that bad memories stir up...
is not a happy one to experience...

incompetent.
inept.
hopeless.

i could use all the synonyms for it.
but this feeling needs to go away. i just dont want to mess up good things.



P.S.
-on a lighter note
thanks for the smiles you give me.