iridescent fear

have you ever had those moments in which
you experienced the greatest joy in your life, but at the same time
it is the downfall of your composure?

have your worst fear, as your greatest pleasure?
have your deepest secret be your worst fear?
have the most detrimental situation mean the most to you?

these confusing moments are the hardest to grasp, and hardest to feel.


now imagine having the best feeling you can ever envision,
ones that can be read and lived vicariously through the greatest of all literature,
or just by observing your surroundings..
as you reach of this, you feel it touch your finger tips, always grazing the ends
of your hands, warm enough to spread all around your body.

as this glimmer of happiness invades your insides
is this sensation real? or is the mind trying to intensify the small
sparks that stroke your finger tips, into a blazing flame.
the warmth seems so comforting doesn't it?
you fan it thinking that you can bask in the heat and comfort it gives you.
its so calming and relieving that all the other negative feelings
seem to have been burned away, blackened and covered with its own ashes.


until you wonder if this life altering phoenix of sorts is real...

you bathed in all that it could give you,
immersed yourself in its glory,
drowned your sorrows,
renewed a part of you that was not its best.

then you realize, that you never really had a full grasp
of what ever you were trying to reach for,
your mind has just exaggerated that small flicker of hope
so you can disentangle yourself from that place in life
you did not want to be in.
you interrogate the deepest portions of yourself
to find out if what you felt was the true full grasp, or that little piece
that kept unfolding until it ripped.


as much as you hate the ending.
the part in which you question your place and your
understanding of the world around you...

that little flicker of light, so divine, so inviting, so soothing,
is tempting you.
the temptation does not come from th fear of what might happen,
but the temptation comes from what might not happen.
sometimes you know of the situations and occurrences that you are placing yourself
into...
a long dark tunnel with light at the end that you might reach.
you hold your breath waiting to reach fresh air, as you think you have arrived at
your destination, you realize you have only moved a step away.
and your breath is gone from you.

the aftermath is worse than when you have exasperated your air supply.
as you try to gasp for air, your lungs seem to deflate as you intake air.
the darkness seems to surround you again.
you're trying to find that motivation to keep you going.


and then...
you feel that little spark at the end of your fingertips....


(i really didnt know how to convey what i am feeling at this hour in the morning, its a very weird mood at the pit of my stomach and at the base of my brain. i had a wonderful day, but i guess the hardest thing for me to do is face the things that are killing me inside the most, and can make a wonderful day somewhat somber. ive tried to find ways to indirectly force them out of self consciousness...but i cant... a song, a person, a word can trigger anything in this little head of mine.... idk what im trying to say..i was even advised to not write this, but i had to as an outlet. plus im going to be stuck in the great woods of new york state for the labor day weekend so might as well get some of the things that are bothering me out.)



ps. after reading this numerous amounts of times. i still dont know what i mean. but i know that i involve myself into vicious cycles that i know i could avoid. crap!